mr.wolfie & sofie's old blog-thing.

New Journal (Reminder)

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 10:39:19 GMT

Don't forget ~ all new journal entries posted at http://gaiateam.livejournal.com/ from now on (and you've missed a few if you're just reading this now!)

Always available at the home page too: http://www.gaiateam.dsl.pipex.com/

Be there or...not.

Sofie says..

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 15:15:21 GMT

No you didn't. Doing a 1.38 minutes long jet ski sequence hardly qualifies as completing a game!

So actually, pheer MY leet skillz. I just completed Resident Evil 4, one of the best games ever made. I know - I'm a bit behind as this game has been out for ages, but I really am a huge fan of the Resident Evil series. In fact, I am so much of a fan that I can admit there are some rather terrible flaws in most of the Resident Evil game (but I love them regardless)! But Resident Evil 4? Wow. I was blown away. It is truly one of the most fun, interesting and challenging games I have ever played. What impressed me the most was probably that despite being so very different from the previous RE games, with a much more interactive world and fast-paced action, Resident Evil 4 still retains the RE feel that made me fall in love with these games in the first place.

Also, this is the first game I have ever played that requires you to protect an NPC (cutie Ashley in this case) that hasn't totally driven me nuts! Usually I hate protection-missions, as the NPCs you protect are generally dumb, get in the way, get killed, run around and act annoyingly. But Ashley is relatively clever, and the game gives you plenty of options to protect her without having to drag her around all the time. Brilliant!

So, yeah. I completed Resident Evil 4. The only two bits I didn't do myself were avoiding the lasers in the corridor (nice little nod to the movie) and the final escape on the jet ski. Why didn't I do those bits? Well, because frankly, I'm not very good at that sort of thing. :P And why try and die over and over again when there's someone in the house (mister wolfie to the rescue!) who is MUCH better at it than me*?

*Although, I doubt he could've done it without my valuable assistance; shouting "Dodge, dodge! L1 R1! L1 R1!" in his ear whenever an action event came up on the screen! :)

mr.wolfie says: pheer my leet skillz...

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 13:40:25 GMT

I have completed Resident Evil 4. ;)

mr.wolfie says: Quite possibly the worst spam ever...

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 10:58:21 GMT

This arrived in my email the other day:

Do You hvae enuogh poewr to proivde yuor patrner hgih qaulity SEX on S.tValentine da?y
Get a MONTSER poewr, nothnig can birng yuor errectoin donw!
Show yuor patrner the POEWR of yuor LVOE and she wlil alwyas rememebr You.L
ove wlil ALAWYS be assoicated wtih YUO!

oYur oredr wlil be PRIVAET, nboody wlil konw waht You use.
Flolow tihs lnik and get SPECAIL DISOCUNT for taht perido.

Gone are the days of Shakespeare, I guess they're getting those hundred monkeys to type up spam emails nowadays. It looks like a sales pitch written by a d00d (using his best English too).

And, at the risk of creating an excruciating aphorism, may I wish you all:
MONTSER POEWR!

mr.wolfie says:

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:15:21 GMT

hehe, Green Goblin magnet.

She's blonde, she's Swedish AND she has a Green Goblin magnet ~ I'm such a lucky bastard!

Sofie says..

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 23:50:55 GMT

FACT:

In the past, people had children so that they would have someone around to run up to the TV and change the channel for them.

Now, people have children so that they have someone around who actually understands how the remote control works.

EVIDENCE:

When I moved from Sweden to England, I left my mother a handwritten manual on how to operate the video recorder. It was five or six pages long, complete with illustrations and instructions on how to correctly utilize a fork and/or hammer to un-jam stuck tapes, and I stuck it onto the fridge with a Green Goblin magnet.
A year later I return for a visit, and my mother complains to me about always missing TV-shows. My eyes dart to the fridge - yes, the instructions are still there, intact - and I say, well, why don't you tape the shows?
Mother: "Oh, that's too complicated."

(I do not have many memories of TV-channel changing slavery, but that is only because I was fortunate enough to get a younger brother, to whom that particular chore was quickly passed on.)

And that's that for my first post! Stay tuned for more brilliant life observations from this procrastinating blogger, who is now off to watch mr.wolfie make spells for her EverQuest 2 character! :D

mr.wolfie says: Welcome Sofie!

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 14:10:30 GMT

This is to introduce the Swedish blonde in my life*, Sofie.
We set up a Livejournal for her to write in, but then forgot what it was called ~ so I'm going to be sharing my blog with her, since mine gets updated so infrequently too. I guess she will start her posts "Sofie says" or something similar. Then the two of you out there will know which one of us is writing :)

Enjoy.

*everyone should have one...

Reasons to not have Children (#11 of 7,839)

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 16:38:37 GMT

So, you're topping up your car's radiator with Anti-Freeze when asked by your small offspring, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

"I'm adding this special liquid to make sure that the water in the car doesn't freeze in the cold weather," you reply.

The next thing you know, you've got a tank full of dead fish...

Yuletide Nostalgia

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 14:51:31 GMT

Ahhh, at this time of year one's mind returns to happy childhood memories...
(to the tune of Que Sera, Sera)

When I was just a little boy
I asked my Mother,
"What will I be?"
"Will I be pretty, will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:

"Shut yer face and get to bed,
"You'll get a slap if you don't get up those stairs...
"Washed hands and teeth as well,
"Get to bed, to bed..."

Separated At Birth?

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 14:36:38 GMT

----Jake Gyllenhaal---- ----Guy Smiley----

Separated at birth?

No, surely not.
There can only be one explanation, and now the truth can be revealed:
Gyllenhaal is the secret lovechild of Guy Smiley!

Tis the season to be jolly...apparently.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 10:37:58 GMT

The first mince pie of the year...

...is soon followed by the second.

It's not in the stars, it's in the genes...

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 23:09:16 GMT

I was watching MTV or one of those cable music channels ~ there's so many of them, I just continually channel surf between them, turning over everytime Eminem comes on (can anyone explain how he gets to be on the Kerrang channel???) ~ and the latest Garbage video caught my eye.
You've got to hand it to Shirley Manson, she's really done a good job with what little she had to work with ~ she's quite modelesque now ~ but her sister has really let herself go.
Aye, that Marilyn is a dog...

Pictures and everything!

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 14:41:56 GMT

Well, the graphics should all be back and working ~ along with an update to the Adam Warren Bibliography. Those people concerned that I took time out from playing my level 50 Templar (or, indeed, my level 32 Warlock) on EQII can rest assured that I only transferred stuff across and did some miniscule editing ~ and even the bibliography update was done by someone who hasn't been sucked into the black hole of sleep deprivation that is EverQuest (many thanks to Simon, you're a star! )

For anyone who has (spawn of the devil) a mobile phone, I would recommend staying away from Boltblue's (www.boltblue.co.uk) services. These are the people who bought out Cable and Wireless' customer base, said they'd keep up the legacy web service and have now pulled the plug. I quote from their email in response to my complaint that the server was unreachable:

"The CWC webspace was provided on best effort basis and is available to customers who use our ISP services."

Heh, heh, Boltblue's BEST EFFORTS... Nuff said.

FYI, there is an Adam Warren sketch online at Penny Arcade in Gabe's news from the San Diego comic convention. There's also a really cool sketch from Jhonen Vasquez (who I only really mention to improve my street cred, even though I bought JTHM #1 when it was first solicited and don't need to improve anything...)

Webspace, belly up!

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 12:46:24 GMT

I've noticed that a lot of the original art from my gallery isn't showing up, this is because the ISP of that particular webspace has closed down that server. Therefore the graphics in the galleries will be unavailable until I find someplace else to host them...

See? I can update my blog without being controversial

Harry Potter - Good or Evil? Gabriele Kuby - Bitter and Twisted?

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 15:27:41 GMT

In the wake of the latest Harry Potter mega-blockbuster we have reports that the Pope agrees with an obviously untalented and unsuccessful wannabee hack, Gabriele Kuby, and goes so far as to say that the Potter books are "subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul".

Now I'm not a fan of Potter, but I loathe organised religion far more and consider them all to be wholly insidious, hatred-spawning cults the world would be much better off without. What right has some bloated old fuck got commenting on popular culture, especially when he himself comes from twinned cultures of hatred and fear ~ I think we have a right to be more worried about a Nazi Catholic than a fictional teen wizard.
Instead of sitting atop golden thrones, calling the place you live and work "The House of God" and sniping at works of fiction while worrying about how many followers you can gather next month, perhaps the leaders of our religions should actually be spending some of their billions on saving lives and ending poverty?
Instead of judging others (as I believe that is the provence of God alone) maybe these so-called leaders should be leading simple lives like the rest of us, and enjoying the odd episode of Buffy on TV.

In fact, perhaps that's just what the Pope needs ~ 50" widescreen plasma goodness ~ because, let's remind ourselves, that before TV violence we had the Dark Ages. I reckon witch-hunting, troll slaying, raping and pillaging en masse, inquisitions and crusades...
...all down to long nights and no television in my opinion.

As for the fanatical fundamentalists out there, you guys need a reality check. There is no heaven, no 72 dark-eyed maidens, no chilly raisins. The promises of organised religion are as hollow as those of governments. Which is indeed a great shame, for as there is no heaven there is also no hell in which fools like suicide bombers burn. The best I can hope for is that they are hanging in a black, weightless void and thinking, "Shit, I really fucked THAT up!"

Of course, it's popular to bash something as hugely successful as Harry Potter but here's something else again. This journo, assuming the name of German philosopher Oswald Spengler, who only appears to have read three books in total, none of them by J.K. Rowling, has so missed the point of entertainment ~ I can almost visualise him masturbating over his own article, wallowing in his pseudo-intellectualism. That's one great, big article of self-loving.
Oh, and matey, people who are narcissistic do not have an aversion to mirrors, quite the reverse. You dickhead.

You can ask "Spengler" if he really does masturbate over his own articles here or by email to the Asia Times editor letters@atimes.com

New books and panties...

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 12:59:44 GMT

Purporting to be the final book in Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion series (and that's a BIG claim) The White Wolf's Son is out now.

Buy it. I just did.
Also, I picked up the latest Battle Angel Alita: Last Order GN and decided to try Tokyopop's edition of Battle Royale too (to take advantage of the free postage offer).

In the real world, part IV in a series...

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 21:47:34 GMT

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Play in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

And Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer said,
"Fuck off, you bastards. I hope you all die."

"That's a nice coat you're wearing."

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 09:13:40 GMT

A-frickin-mazing.
Fan-bloody-tastic.

That's my two line review of Frank Miller's Sin City as brought to the silver, well, grubby white in the case of the Harlow UGC, screen by Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino and Miller himself.

What I really like in a movie is its ability to stun an audience into silence, thereby allowing those of us who were kinda expecting this type of movie, having read the book(s), to watch it in peace. Sin City delivers. On every level.

To begin with, it's great to look at ~ Rodriguez has done a magnificent job editing all this stuff together and the integration of actor with CGI is seamless and, more importantly, you never realise that it's CG, never once does that "Hey, that's cleverly done" thought creep across your mind. That could be because the stories, solid in comic book form, are gripping and, being faithful to the original format, are super solid on celluloid (except there isn't any celluloid any more, is there?)
Then the cast is one of stars, shiny and larger than life. The men are cooler than the Absolut in my freezer and the girls, sexier than a chocolate Ferrari. They ooze, well, pretty much everything and copious amounts of the red (yellow, white and black) stuff too.

My only niggle is that I, personally, would have mixed the stories up into one cohesive tale ~ as it is, each chapter in the lives of the inhabitants of Sin City is told separately, very much in keeping with the individual graphic novels (so, I suppose, they can't really be faulted there) ~ but I'd have gone down a more chronological storytelling route, having each story weave in and out and between the other two.
Of course, that probably wouldn't have worked out because the events, the climax, immediately before the film's dénouement wouldn't then have been in the right place. So, maybe they got it right all along!

All in all, the best adaptation of a comicbook to the movie screen. Ever.
Should come with a Sin City graphic novel and a copy of Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics.

To bid and bid again...

Sun, 22 May 2005 15:40:56 GMT

I have some spectacular items that have to go to loving homes (other than the one they're in now ;) For your convenience, they're all listed on eBay:

Bowen Silver Surfer Bust - Rare CHROME Edition!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534398093

White Variant Unlimited Spider-Man #1 (NM) - Very RARE!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534398655

Graphitti Designs AKIRA HARDCOVER Vol. 2 (NM)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534396494

DF Black Widow #1 Exclusive Cover (NM) - No Reserve!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534396768

DF Unlimited X-Men #1 Exclusive Cover (NM) - No Reserve!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534396877

DC Elseworlds 80 Page Giant - SUPER RARE! (NM)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534397196

Evan Dorkin - Milk & Cheese #1 (NM) SLG - 1st Printing!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534397352

Unlimited Spider-Man #1 (NM) - No Reserve!
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534397451

Danger Girl Sketchbook (NM) - J.Scott Campbell
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6534397545

Click here to see all my auctions:
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mr.wolfie

Sweet!

Parental Guidance.

Mon, 02 May 2005 11:17:54 GMT

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about when I say that, when I was a child, (and as far as Mum and Dad are concerned I'll be a child forever, apparently) my parents were always lecturing me with such behavioral necessities as;

"Sit up straight"
"Don't talk with your mouth full"
"Don't eat with your mouth open"
"Don't talk back"
and the gem,
"Breathe through your nose".

If only Kane had listened to his parents.
Little had I known at the time that my parents were giving me advice on how to thwart facehuggers.
Surely, John Hurt's mom was in the cinema watching the premiere of ALIEN, when she turned to her friend, Ada, and said, "I was always telling him to breathe through his nose, but would he listen...?"

Buttcracks In History...

Mon, 02 May 2005 10:50:24 GMT

I saw this programme about Genghis Khan the other day, to be honest, I only surface skimmed it as my mind was on a different planet at the time but one thing stuck. When he and his horde invaded China they didn't let a little thing like the Great Wall of China stand in their way. No, they went around it. Isn't that typical?

Navvies, for time in memorial, it seems, have left the job unfinished.

Or maybe it's just the way of governments everywhere. Financially constrained and wondering whether they'll be able to skim some cash off in order to have a nice holiday in Myanmar, perhaps the government minister in charge thought, "Hey, this is a big wall already and we're bleeding cash on it. The Mongols'll never know it doesn't go all the way around ~ they only have to *think* it does ~ we only need to give the impression that it goes all the way. I mean who is gonna believe that we built this fucking huge wall and didn't finish it. So, I think we can get away with a partial wall and a bit of spin."
You can just see him, can't you? Massaging his hands in that Machiaevellian way that comes so easy to politicians.
"Hey, I know," he continues, "we'll call it the 'GREAT' wall of China ~ you'd have to be in outer space to see it's got gaps at the ends."

So, one night, Genghis and his horde are out on the steppes, having a barbie, when he's visited by aliens. "Hey Genghis," they say. "You don't have to bang your head against a brick wall, you can go around. There's a big gap at the end. Pass me a piece of chicken..."
And so, history is made.

Life enhancing tips, volume IV.

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 09:37:14 GMT

Today, I thought I'd share last night's dream with you or, for the sake of the easily offended amongst you, a highly abbreviated portion of last night's dream.

My friend, an international super spy otherwise known as Jennifer Garner, was hosting a dinner party and was worried that the guests wouldn't get along or simply that the ice wouldn't break.
In the kitchen, as Jennifer removed the contents of the oven while wearing a very short skirt, I reassured her that we had copious supplies of vodka and that, as James Bond had R.S.V.P'ed, ice would, inevitably, get broken.
(Note: this is the "new" hip way of writing, the write-like-you-talk so readers think you're being witty, clever but informal and all friendly-like, and therefore contains way more commas than is necessary, correct or healthy).
To no avail, our poor hostess continued to fret.

At this point I had become distracted by a copy of The Sun newspaper (I use the term loosely) whose headlines were about a B-List TV presenter who was dropping hints that she'd taken part in a menage-a-trois with an A-List Prince and his now deceased Princess Bride. Of course, The Sun's reporting being what it is, their idea of dropping hints was actually just a failure to flat out deny it when asked in the street by vagabonds (aka journalists) and making statements such as, "I refuse to comment" "My private life is not a topic for conjecture" and "Get off my doorstep, you bastards".
But it was not this "report" that had aroused my curiosity.

No. For it seems that in the future (and it must have been the future in which this dream took place because, at the time of writing, I don't actually know Jennifer Garner) The Sun was printing a special attachment to Page 3; a skirt on the Page 3 model which could be lifted and peeked under.
Ah ha! Proof that I was actually me in this dream ~ I was no longer on the run from a man on a dark motorcycle who would eventually be a guest at the dinner party ~ my hard bitten cynicism kicked in. So this is what the future held, I mused as I toyed with the plaid patterned flap, and how the market for this tabloid paper must have exploded in Japan!
(Makes note to contact Kelvin MacKenzie with idea for selling newspapers to people who don't read English)
(Scraps idea, as that's what The Sun is doing already)

Anyway, back to the thing that's going to revolutionise your listless parties. I pursuaded Jennifer to blow up some balloons which, I have to admit, was quite exhilarating in itself and then told her to write down five questions. They could be about herself, her guests, or anything really.
Armed with balloons and a marker pen ~ you can use any combination of colour but I prefer a thick black one (as the actress said to the Bishop) ~ our super spy hostess then asked her guests these questions when they arrived. Each guest then got a party hat, with balloon attached, their answers or keywords from their answers inscribed thereon!

Instant talking points!
Not to mention that it made Pierce Brosnan look silly .

For your information, here are Jennifer (super spy) Garner's five questions:
1. What are your views on the wedding?
2. My latest movie is called, "The Heinkelschweike Contract". Your thoughts?
3. Does a pink wig suit a black, leather brassiere?
4. Are you now or have you ever been engaged in espionage?
5. Will it last?

And, for the sake of completeness, the balloon above Pierce Brosnan's head, in no particular order, read:
"I'd take it off."
"But then, what does?"
"Critical, but charming."
"Twice."
"Covered by the Official Secrets Act."

AW Commissions For Auction.

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 10:20:08 GMT

No, this entry is not about my comfy socks nor, surprisingly, will there be any references to EverQuest II. This is to let anyone who is a fan of the anime show Cowboy Bebop and Adam Warren (and let's face it, if you weren't you probably wouldn't be here in the first place) that a fellow netizen has some commissioned sketches up for sale on eBay.

The first is of Ed (Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV) who is not only gender impaired but probably also an annoyingly squeaky anime character (there's a redundant statement if ever I heard one ) and the second auction features the show's main man, Spike Spiegal.

Of course, I'd be interested in not only seeing some larger scans of those drawings (and too small pics on eBay auctions is a pet peeve of mine anyway!) but also what else the seller has in his collection...

The right of complaint...

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 15:07:13 GMT

I have a pair of special socks. They are Totes "Slipper Socks", which I wear along with slippers because I like having nice toasty warm feet. Now these are not merely any old pair of socks, I actually have four pairs of slipper socks but I only ever wear this particular pair and now they're getting a bit threadbare around the heel and the plastic tread on the bottom is all but washed away. Even so, this pair are the softest, cosiest socks I have ever owned, but I digress, all this is mere background information because earlier today I was looking for them and, as they are invariably flung off my feet at bedtime, they could be *anywhere* the following morning.

Anyway, I'm looking for them and having just found one I immediately complain that the other is "missing" in an injured tone of voice that implies it is lost forever (and that one of my feet is going to be a bit chilly for the same period of time).

And so, it seems to me that most of the people who play EQII (and EverQuest before it) and post their opinions on the forums (surely provided for that specific reason not, as is assumed by the other 5% of posters, to stroke the egos of the developers) have a disposition remarkably similar to people who have found one of their most favourite socks but are still missing the other.

BTW, to allay any confusion, doubt or distress, I can inform my readers that I did indeed find the missing sock mere seconds after finding the first, and both socks are well, unharmed by the experience and enjoying a existence performing their intended function ~ and there's not many among us can claim that!

Buy now, try it free for 30 days...

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 13:43:08 GMT

Today I'd like to impart, free of charge I hope you note, a revolutionary method of communicating with your girlfriend which, I think, will lead to the end of bitterness and arguments in any relationship and will, should there be none to begin with ~ your relationship still being all shiny and new ~ ensure they never start in the first place.

Quite simply, you need tell your significant other about this new method of communication at a time when they are actually paying attention to what you're saying ~ this alone is quite tricky, I've listed some times you shouldn't attempt to start this conversation:

Not during Coronation St, Eastenders or, indeed, any mundane TV show.
Not in the vicinity of a shoe shop or, in fact, any type of shop, shopping mall, market or any area where food is served.
Not when something bad has happened and you're being Mr. Comfort (she knows you're really Mr. Insensitive and that, at any moment, you might blurt out something inappropriate, so she's not listening, just seeking solace in the woolly jumper you happen to be wearing).
Not, surprisingly, during football (especially during half-time, although you might *think* this is the perfect opportunity). She will automatically assume that anything coming out of your mouth in a three hour time slot centered around a display of football will, naturally enough, be about football, and so, she's not listening at all.
Ensure there are no shiny or brightly coloured objects around, girls are easily distracted by these things. The same goes for fluffy or small animals, especially kittens and puppies, and horses (the mere sight of which sends females into their own little dream world where they are princesses or something...)

Anyway, I've noticed that the best time to get her attention is by doing something wrong and then attempting to explain. Such as missing your anniversary, being very late for a date (by at least 24 hours) or, and this is the best one, pretending to forget her birthday. Believe me, she'll be paying very close attention to everything you say and do on that particular day, even more so if she thinks there's the possibility you've forgotten it.

All you have to do is wait for her to say, "You never say anything nice about me." Which she will, since she says that, in one form or another, every day. That then gives you the opening to say, "Actually, I do say nice stuff about you all the time and, to prove it, from now on, I am going to say the exact opposite of what I mean. When I would normally say: 'Hey, you look really nice today' I will actually say: 'Ewww, you look really unpleasant today' and we'll soon see how you like that!"

You'll find it remarkably easy to keep this up and it has hidden benefits.

If you need to tell her something bad about her appearance or general demeanor, what you do is say the opposite:
"Hey, that skirt really suits you!"
"Your make-up is perfect, and that shade of pink is so attractive."

She knows that you mean the opposite, but because you actually said something nice to her, it softens the blow a millionfold.

Ah, but now comes the crunch. When you want to compliment her, you get to criticise her:
"Boy, you are really looking ugly today".
"I really don't want to hold you and kiss you, which will inevitably lead to not cuddling, no foreplay and no mind-blowing sex. Not a bit of it!"

Again, she knows that you're saying the opposite of what you mean, and loves the reverse-compliment.
It's a win-win situation. Try it today!

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Please read all instructions and warnings before use. Enter at your own risk. Trucks over 4 tons excluded. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Use only as directed. For indoor or outdoor use only. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Product will be hot after heating. Provided "as-is" without warranty. Reader assumes full responsibility. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Not to be used in conjunction with any other offer. Details on reverse side. Contains scenes with flashing lights and may not be suitable for viewers with photo-sensitive epilepsy, and I'm still engaged in this experiment, so anything which could be construed as descriptive of my actual girlfriend is, in fact, the opposite (or as she said, "It would be funny if you had a different girlfriend").